Counseling in Great Falls, MT | Help! My Teen Athlete Is Ready to Quit
I love watching my kids play sports. Like…too much, I think.
I am the mom on the side of the field or court cheering (loud), which may be the opposite of what you’d expect from a therapist. I just get really into it (where’s the “embarrassed” emoji when you need it?!). I also come from a long line of over enthusiastic sports fans (my mom, my grandpa), so I blame it on behavioral conditioning.
I enjoy seeing my kids engage in healthy competition, have fun with their friends, and learn so many valuable lessons all at the same time. It fills my heart. And I’m sure many other parents can agree. It’s why we spend thousands of dollars and chase them all over the state, right? The value of team and individual sports on personal development, confidence, relationships, and teamwork is tremendous, and these lessons are ones that can be carried throughout life.
But did you know that approximately 70% of youth athletes discontinue organized sports by at the age of 13? Seventy percent?!
So where does it all go wrong? And what happens when they tell you they want to quit? And more importantly…why?! And what do you do about it? Let’s dive in.
The Pressure Teen Athletes Face
Youth sports are becoming increasingly competitive every year. When you combine this competitiveness with the child or teen that has an overachiever mindset, it can be detrimental to the enjoyment of the sport. The internal pressure a child feels to be the best can be a constant weight that becomes the primary focus, instead of playing to have fun.
External pressures from coaches, teammates, and parents (gulp) don’t help. The need to please - a hallmark quality in an overachiever - can be taken to all new heights on the field or court. And if the athlete doesn’t perform to his or her expectations (or that of the parent, coach, or teammates), the disappointment can feel unbearable.
Many youth are also struggling to find balance amidst time spent in school, doing homework, practices, games, and other social activities. It can feel overwhelming when there is little downtime to rest and rejuvenate. Multi-sport athletes are the norm, so this demanding schedule can very easily be a year-round commitment, resulting in more burnout.
And then there’s the added pressure of social media. Yep, I know. The broken record us therapists can’t stop playing. But it’s important to point out the contribution social media has in this area, as well. Think of the last scroll you made on Facebook or Instagram. How many posts did you see from parents showcasing their children in one sport or another? No judgement over here, because I do it, too. But when children and teens have access to social media and begin to view these posts and compare against their own accomplishments, inadequacy and self-doubt can quickly follow.
It also goes without saying that many teens experience conflict and drama amongst teammates or with coaches, and if these issues go unaddressed or unresolved, the joy of the sport can be compromised. The facts: kids can be mean. Even worse? Parents can be mean. And when you take a group of competitive kids, parents, and coaches, it’s likely that conflict will be there, too.
Common Signs Your Teen May Be Experiencing Burnout
So how do you know if these are issues your teen is experiencing?
Withdrawal from team activities, lack of enthusiasm or motivation, or sudden disinterest in the sport are all signs that your teen may be experiencing burnout or are close to quitting. Teens may also display some emotional signs such as increased anxiety, depression, or feelings of worthlessness tied to performance.
If your child consistently doesn’t want to go to practice, team dinners or activities, or appears to lack excitement or enjoyment in participating, it might be time to have a chat.
What Parents Can Do to Support Their Teen Athlete
Despite our tendency to get too involved, excited, or competitive…I truly believe that most parents have the best intentions and only want the best for their children. So below are a few tips and reminders to support your young athlete as they grow in their sport, while preserving the love and joy your child has for the sport.
Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for your teen to express their feelings about their sport, pressures, and emotions.
Focus on the process, not just the outcome: Encourage effort and growth, not just victories and performance metrics. Try asking “Did you have fun?” before “How did you do?”.
Help your teen develop a balanced lifestyle: Promote healthy habits that include rest, downtime, and pursuing hobbies outside of sports. A limited number of athletes have the opportunity to continue sports in the postsecondary world, and if a majority of their identity and “worth” is connected to sports, this could be a very difficult reality to face.
Seek counseling: If your teen is showing signs of burnout or emotional distress, encourage them to seek professional counseling in Great Falls, MT, to prevent further struggles and potential quitting.
Keep yourself, the parent, in-check: Ask yourself the following questions:
Why do I care that my teen is involved in this sport? Is it about them or is it about me?
What do I get from my teen’s success on the field or court? (Be honest with yourself on this one - whether it’s attention, confidence, peace of mind, validation…there’s something in it for you, as well, even if it’s not the primary focus)
Is there an imbalance in my desire for what I get vs. what they get?
How Counseling in Great Falls, MT Can Help Teen Athletes
If you have concerns about your child or teen and the pressure they place on themselves and their athletic performance, please consider counseling in Great Falls or performance coaching in Great Falls. As mentioned previously, individual and team sports have the potential to teach valuable lessons, and managing expectations with joy can be one of those lessons learned with the support of counseling.
When I begin to work in session with one of my teen athletes, we begin by exploring their history as an athlete: When did you get started with ________? What was your favorite part about that sport? What kept you returning to the sport each season?
Then we dive into how the meaning of that sport has changed and what it represents currently. What pressures do you feel? Where do they come from?
Throughout counseling, we discuss how our feelings lead to our thoughts, and how our thoughts can very easily sabotage our joy and performance. And ultimately, how to go about correcting this destructive pattern.
We also work on communication and how to go about asking for our needs: “Mom, I really love the enthusiasm, but when I hear you screaming on the sideline, I feel even more pressure to perform. I’ve learned that, for me, pressure usually doesn’t help me perform better. I need you to chill out a bit.”
Helping Your Teen Rediscover Their Passion for Sports
Let’s just say it: being a parent is hard. And most of us are just trying our best to support our kids. And none of us are educated in how to navigate the crazy and competitive teen sports world. And it’s exhausting. And I write this article to serve as a reminder for myself just as much as for anyone else.
The good news? With some awareness, a slight pivot (or maybe a massive one) in our own behavior, and maybe some added counseling support for our teen, we really can make the most of these amazing opportunities. Allowing our kids to learn all the important lessons that sports offer, including resilience, overcoming self-doubt, and balancing expectations and joy.
If you are interested in connecting your teen or pre-teen athlete with counseling, I encourage you to contact me! If I’m not the best fit for your kiddo, I will be so happy to provide you with some other referrals.